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there's a reason why i didn't kill this LJ
Jul. 11th, 2009 | 02:49 pm
i haven't really had a talk with my mum about it since the breakup. we're not the type who talks about crushes and love life anyway. we had a falling out before in college (formative years) and i didn't trust her about my personal issues. it's not that i don't need her, pero nasanay na lang na ganon. she is a stagemother and has a tendency to sensationalize. i love her but we're no 7th heaven.
we were busy and had lunch at home together kanina. she said it's been almost 2 weeks that we haven't done so. if my coverage pushed through this morning, we wouldn't even had the chance.
gabby needs to be taken to the vet because of an ear infection. i had to withdraw cash and mum tagged along with me.
ewan ko lang kung bakit naman sa lahat ng kanta e naantig ako sa "when i'm gone" na kasalukuyang tumutugtog non sa jeep.
"Sometimes I'll wanna run to you like lovers do
When love is new and just for a moment be close to you
Pretending I'm still holding you."
this is how they did emo in the olden days.
in real life nakakatawa talaga sya, parang "making love out of nothing at all" sa mr. and mrs. smith. at medyo 1981 pa pala tong video ni albert hammond (ginoogles ko pa) sa youtube pero naiiyak ako pag yan ng mga lines na yan. tulad kanina sa jeep, biglang narinig ko yan, it was like...
shet i wanna run to him and collapse in his arms like i used to. there where i was secure and loved and taken care of.
he was my comfort zone and i am missing that a lot lately. nawala na to before e. i used to think of the things i didn't like about him, and i'm ok. how we were very different and how he can't seem to catch up with me. how i felt tired and sawa and burntout trying to keep us together.
right now i just miss my best friend. i miss how he was my one-man pep squad when i feel down, how he could handle the tantrums when i have pms, how consistent he is unlike these guys i have met na kung sa babae e mga pangkama lang, minsan hindi pa.
kanina i was very careful that my mum wouldn't notice i was teary eyed. for one, nasa jeep kami at tanghali (parang mali ang setting). two, medyo nakapang-gym ako and i look so tough. pangatlo, ni hindi ko nga alam yung kanta. and pang-apat, mapra-praning sya kung bakit ako naiiyak e she knows i am VERY ok. i'm supposed to be cool like that.
"And I know that we said we needed time apart
But your love keeps pulling at my heart
Pulling strong.
Will you miss me in the night?
Will your arms reach out to hold me tight
And keep me in your dreams
In your heart
In your life?"
huhu. i am so in touch with my emotions i'm not even on PMS.
maybe because his mum recently texted me and asked me to come over because his brother has something for me daw from australia. kangaroo ba to?
buti pa yung nanay nya namimiss ako. =(
i wanted to tell my mother all of these and collapse in her chest kanina at humagulgol in a very prime-time soap fashion---but the last few times she saw me cry was when my father and pet cat died. i don't want to trouble her, she's the type who would absorb your problems and make them her own. i wonder if L texts her.
i'll probably see his mom and brother within the month pero titiming talaga ako na wala sya. i'll arrange that.
baka naman pag nakita ko sya, wala. flat. possible yun. kasi ng last ko syang nakita ng december, it was so over. i was ok, maybe even relieved, not being his gf.
pero baka pag nakita ko sya mapabirit ako ng....
"Sometimes i wanna run to you like lovers do....."
mahirap na. so wag na lang. kailangan ko lang matapos yung scrapbook na ang tagal tagal ko ng tinatapos. was supposed to be for our first anniv, then second, then parting gift, ayan 3 years ko ng inaattempt matapos pero andun pa rin sa kwarto ko. a very expensive ghost of the past.... the materials alone cost about 5k na yata. pwera pa the scrapbooks mismo na around P700 each (there's 2). malaking investment. maganda sanang gift pero di ko matapos-tapos dahil busy ako at nawalan ng gana.
pero kailangang tapusin dahil yun na yata ang tinatawag na closure. i cannot keep hard copies of memories.
kung pwede lang ako mag-leave ng ilang araw para matapos yun, siguro malaki ang igiginhawa ng pakiramdam ko.
that scrapbook is like one of those long tiring dreams i am having. they are not welcome, they make me feel sad and stressed out afterwards, but there is no choice but to get done with it because it's unfinished business. it's part of a process.
so at least kilala ko na si albert hammond. sino kaya may mp3.
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down
Feb. 17th, 2009 | 07:31 pm
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breakdown
Dec. 15th, 2008 | 01:03 pm
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panic mode
Oct. 8th, 2008 | 05:48 pm
Rules of the game:
A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
B) Tag eight people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.
1. What are your reasons for having an LJ?
emo blog ng time na nagluluksa ako kay A.
2. What do you do before bedtime?
freshen up, change clothes, put on nighttime goos, go online or read a book.
3. What is your dream life like?
kung bata-bata pa ko gusto ko pa ring maging groupie.
4. What is the city of your dreams and why?
wala akong matandaang dreams lately.
5. Is there a special song out there that inexplicably describes your life/love life/hate life? Explain.
judith, a perfect circle
6. Would you say that the Internet holds a chunk of your life?
dati in denial pa ko pero dependency na to e.
7. Do you trust easily?
oo, kaya madali akong mainlab e. whoohoo. yown.
8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
either iwasan ko or keep as friend. i'd like to think i've learned. so binabasa ko na yung "he's not just that into you"---ang nag-iisang self-help book na pinatulan ko. so unless i-pursue nya ko, hindi ko sya kakaririn.
9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
work, missing being a gf, getting fat
10. What is your best quality?
maangas akong babae.
11. Is being tagged fun?
ewan self-imposed tagging to e.
12. How do you see yourself?
right now i'm sabog. but the thing is i've been getting compliments about my skin, wala naman akong bagong product na pinapahid. i need a new job, a new hairstyle, a new body, an upgrade in life. i didn't know i'd feel alone being single but apparently i needed to be needed. i just recently discovered that i'm a flirt. i still refuse to recognize i'm a slave of sex. i am a closet procastinator. i spend too much time online. i miss being a gf.
13. Of all places in the world, real or imaginary, where do you feel like you belong?
i honestly still don't know. parang teen angst part II tong phase ko ngayon.
14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
artistic.
15. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
single and rich, dami naman pwedeng boytoy.
16. How many children do you want to have, if any?
2 or 4
17. If there ever was a place you would want to go back to because you want to correct something, what would be that place?
college, sana di ako natutong magyosi at sana nagsulat ako ng literary noon oa lang.
18. What kind of sounds are the most annoying?
boses na nakakairita. sound na nakakangilo.
19. What would you do if you (or your girlfriend) became pregnant unexpectedly?
tangina yan pa naman sabi sa horoscope ko ngayon although i'm hoping wag muna. syempre itutuloy ko na kung majontis man, sana lang pogi yung tatay kasi mahina dugo ko.
20. What were your parents going to name you if you'd been born the opposite sex?
eto ang panalo: ROY ROGER. pangalan pa lang parang pinanganak ng nakasakay sa motor ang dating.
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you know you love me, xoxo
Apr. 25th, 2008 | 11:47 pm
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(no subject)
Feb. 18th, 2007 | 03:59 am
i never thought a relationship could be this... tedious.
mahirap kapag mashadong magkaiba ung trip nyo, ika nga, nagkakabasagan ng trip.
i hate it that the issues affect my moods big time. good thing it still doesn't affect my work and other activities. but my moods, god, it's PMS every day.
i get irked so easily. i get annoyed with the simplest things. one tap and i snap.
so not healthy, not even for me.
i know what to do but i don't know if i wanna do it. i'm too scared to make another wrong decision. i don't want regrets, i already OD'ed on that last yaer.
maybe this is just a phase, but what if it's not?
i hate it when it brings me sooooo down and i just sulk. or cry. or sulk and cry, cry and sulk.
i'm having a daily fare of dissappointments and frustrations lately. it clogs the heart, really.
maybe i'm the one at fault here. i don't really know. maybe we're just the wrong person for each other.
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(no subject)
Nov. 3rd, 2006 | 07:20 pm
***
noong bday mo, january pa lang nagdarasal nako na hindi kita maalala sa july 9 kase nga ni hindi kita pwedeng batiin. ngayon, months ago pa lang, i've been praying na na hindi ako ma-wrong pagdating ng november, na sana hindi kita maalala or ma-miss. sabi ko, kahit may mangyaring kakaiba, kahit na masama as long as there's no injury or death, ok lang basta may DIVERSION ako. the verdict? something bad happened, am having LBM now. medyo mabahong diversion to pero diversion pa rin. at take note, sobrang bihira ako magkaganito (reverse ang problem ko which is constipation), at mga once in 2 or 3 years lang ako magka-LBM. mareng winnie the poopoo tuloy labas ko ngayon.
***
nakatulong ang sagada sa paglipas ng nervous breakdown na ni-expect kong darating sa unang linggo ng noviembre.
actually, inaya kong mag-sagada si papa ces para HINDI kita maalala ngayong nov. kase one year na. one year na dapat tayo.
nasa banaue pa lang kame paakyat ng sagada, nasabi na ni papa ces: "pano yan, e dadaan tayo sa baguio pauwi?" sabi ko "ok lang yun, dapat ok lang yun."
parang pari kase si papa ces (hindi sha natuloy magpari, kumakarir na ngayon pero father-image pa rin) kaya isa sha sa mga hiningan ko ng payo bago ko nag-kumpisal kay L. he said he was "proud" of my decision to be honest.
kinaya ko naman ung baguio this time (hindi tulad ng unang balik ko earlier this year after our trip na gusto ko talagang maglupasay sa gitna ng session) dahil mga 20 landslides ung dinaanan namin mula sa sagada hanggang baguio, at naging 12 hours ung supposed to be 6-hour trip (para kong nag-amsterdam). AT signal no. 3 or 4 ata non.
maswerte ng nakalabas ako ng kweba, nakapamundok sa ulan, at nakarating ng baguio ng buhay (marami nga lang galos) kaya mashado na kong pagod para mag-emote pa ng nakarating kame ng baguio.
am still haunted by that "i love you" but i don't think i will lose it this time like the way i broke down last month.
i've prepared for this day (belive it or not) since the "ber" months kicked in. ganon kalaki ung takot kong masiraan ng ulo ngayong araw na to. kund di man natuloy ung sagada, maghahanap talaga ko ng gimik para lang di ako topakin ng malupit.
(na-advance na yata yung devas ko noong nagkaron ako ng "anxiety attack" recently.)
officially one year na today ng nagpahayag ka ng pagmamahal dun sa terrace ng haunted baguio hotel na yun. the moment you said you have something to say to me, i knew you'd be saying those words and i secretly, swiftly hoped you would. you did. and it was the start of year-long tears and a struggle to be "ok."
i am still not as "ok" as i want to be but i want to believe am getting there, basically because of L. He who hugged me and kissed me maski kakalinis ko ng kwarto at kakaluto ko lang ng chicken-pork adobo at SOBRANG dungis at pawisan ko na.
he never left me like you did.
L never made me cry like you did. never made me wail till i got sick. hindi nya ko pinabayaan at ginamit tulad ng ginawa mo (but hey, i was your willing victim albeit a sour loser).
one thing i've learned from you, allan, is that WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE, YOU GIVE THAT PERSON THE UTMOST ABILITY TO HURT YOU.
next thing i've learned is not to trust anyone ng basta-basta. wag mag-fall sa isang tao who treated you as someone temporary, because love is supposed to last for as long as both parties can hold on, ergo, it was incredibly stupid for me to love someone who knew i was DISPOSABLE right from the start.
but i thank you too, because if not for my fear of this month and day, i wouldn't have experienced banawe and sagada and spent amazing time with my friends.
and somehow you became my MUSE. i get to write wonderful sad things when i remember you, i get to write from the heart to ease the ache. and these pieces are usually written when there's nothing more to do but to write, cause to whine about you and my pain to friends has become reduntant. sawa na ko, sawa na rin sila. thanks god for blogs and notebooks.
and you know what? i think even molly, my teddy bear, got tired of me and tried to commit suicide. i noticed one day that her head is slashed, as in tanggal ung tahi at konti na lang, tanggal na ung ulo nya. maybe she's complaining of me hugging her so tightly whenever i miss you, whenever i'm weeping for you. maybe she's sick of me talking to her, saying to her all those things i can't say to you. my mum stiched her up cause am getting allergies from her fiber filling, she asked how the hell the bear's neck got tastas but i can't give an answer.
my two greatest mistakes and regrets still stand: 1) learning how to smoke; 2) loving you.
do you even remember me? do you even remember what happened today a year ago? do you remember our "honeymoon" in baguio? do you still love me like you've been saying until the last time we saw each other? or are you just mad at me like i am to you?
funny, we're in the same country, might even be in the same city one time or another but we can't talk, can't even text, can't chat or greet each other on our birthdays and holidays. that hurts me too, you know, I CAN'T EVEN GREET YOU A FRIENDLY MERRY CHRISTMAS OR A HAPPY NEW YEAR.
(crying starts here)
can you imagine me whispering to your ear a very very soft "happy anniversary, sweetie. i love you," then giving you the sweetest, softest, most-kilig kiss? that could have been today, tonight, last night or the whole week! but you didn't want that. you wanted me out of your life.
not once you said BEFORE that you love me, na mahal mo ko, na you care about me so much; but then you still love her more. BUT BUT BUT if you love her that much, why did you cheat on her? granted that you really did, why did you say you love me when you already have The One? hindi kita maintindihan hanggang ngayon, allan. i still have these questions unanswered. yes, you gave me answers but they were never valid.
sana hindi na lang kita nakilala. kase hanggang ngayon, naghihinayang ako sa pagmamahal at pag-aalaga na binigay ko sayo na hindi mo naman pinahalagahan.
L has been saying that i should forgive you, but heck, i can't even forgive myself. i've been crying about you, us, what could have been us, for OFFICIALLY one year now, that's roughly 1/10 the time we spend together.
you've been telling me na you've considered leaving her for me. that you were together for years that's why you can't leave her. bullshit yun, wala sa taon yun, allan. ok lang naman sakin if you end up together but i hope you won't hurt her anymore. i hope you could stop hurting people who love you so much. ang sakin lang is sana, hindi mo ko pinaasa. fine, you never said that you'd have me over her, pero sana, you didn't show and tell me that you love me before. cause back then, i was too stupid, naive and in love that i believed every word you said.
you've been saying that it was real. yes, it was, because i have never experienced pain, ache and longing this real till you came to my life.
BY LOVING SOMEONE, YOU'RE GIVING HIM THE POWER TO HURT YOU.
i prayed for you yesterday in the first friday mass in the office. i prayed for her and L, too. and for the first time, i prayed that i could FORGIVE you, because since you left me broken and wounded, i always prayed to FORGET.
it's one year after baguio, so, how are you?
(crying hopefully stops here)
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selosang kuting
Oct. 10th, 2006 | 09:13 pm
mood: 
pibolar
music: psycho sha - giniling festival
dinalhan ko si L ng pastries (tig-iisang butterscotch, brownie at tart) galing sulo hotel; cookies at yema galing dun sa bakery sa gilid. yung yema eh yema rin sa almers.
kumain kame sa isang japanese canteen malapit sa office. nagbento plate sha, ebi tempura ako naman ako, tas tig-isa kameng miso soup. napangalahati na ni L ung pastries, tapos binigyan ko pa sha ng isang tempura. ang kaso gusto pa raw nya ng tempura.
so umorder pa uli kame ng isang 6-piece ebi tempura. without rice naman. sobrang bisog na ko non, isa lang nakain ko, kundi pa nya ko sinubuan, di ko talaga kakainin un kase bondat na ko.
happy kame, as in tawa sha ng tawa.
naalala namin ung isang time sa kfc na napagkamalan shang PULIS at napagkamalan akong ASAWA NG PULIS ng mga batang nanghihingi ng limos/pagkain.
ang kulit kase ng isang kid, hinihingi nya ung food ko. eh HELLO! kakaorder lang kaya. tapos bumulong ung kasama nyang bata ng: "HUY, WAG MONG KULITIN YUN, ASAWA UN NG PULIS."
takang-taka kame kung bat sha napagkamalang pulis. naka-shirt and jeans lang sha non; ako blue cat-print blouse and white pants. pano naman kame nagmukhang parak at juwa ng parak?
sabi ko kase malake ung chan nya. sabi nya malaki rin kase ung chan ko.
so un, kwentuhan lang kame kanina. feeling ko nga nakikinig na ung mga serbidora kase 2 tables lang ung me tao.
hinatid nya ko sa office at SOBRANG nahihiya akong mag-goodbye hug+kiss kase ang daminggggggg tao. may taga-research, taga-baba, taga-HR, taga-photog (andun pa ung crushie kong photog).
ang point ng entry na to e may bigla akong bumabang friend at binati ko sha. tas sinundad sha ng tingin ni L, as in nakatitig. nabad-trip ako.
goodbye na, kiniss at hinug nya ko ng malupet. mas may thrill ata sa kanya pag maraming tao tas nahihiya ako. di ko lang sure kung me pagka-exhibitionist ung bf ko. sana hindi naman hindi.
pero un nga, nainis ako kase titigan daw sa harap ko ng ganon? ang kaso pa eh CRUSH KO RIN KAYA UNG GIRL. so parang double-dead na si L non. hinabol pa kase ng tingin, parang wala ako dun.
maya-maya, nagtext sha: "baby, happy 8th month. i really enjoyed our dinner maski sandali lang tayo nagkasama kase MASAYA ko bebe. i love you kitten ko. mwah."
naiinis pa rin ako. selosa palang lubos yung mga kuting. i swear, naiiyak na ko.
***
eto pa pala, pichur sha ng pichur dun sa tempura kase rerecommend daw nya sa officemate nya. AS IN MAS MARAMI PANG PICTURE UNG HIPON kesa sakin.
niloloko ko sha ng paalis na kame: "jan ka na sa hipon mo, kayo na lang. mas marami pa shang pichurs kesa sakin. magsama kayo nyang tempura mo."
tawa kame ng tawa. tas biglang nabad-trip naman ako ngayon. napsy-pyscho ako pare, gusto kong mambugbog. asan na kaya si ritche?
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batang bundat, batang may laban!
Sep. 26th, 2006 | 04:56 pm
nai-imagine ko na ung mga kantyaw ng ateneo sa ust:
"olats kayo! nadale namin kayo ng one second!"
"ang papanget ng players nyo! ang iitim, mukhang mababaho. ung samin mga tisoy na mukhang mabango maski pawisan na!"
"ung players namin adidas ang uniform. kayo dating LA gear, naging accel, ngayon irep ba yun or interchuva? ano ung sponsor nyo, internet prepaid card? hahahahahahaha. pre-paid, pre-paid, PRE-PAID! nyahahahahaha."
"YUNG COACH NYO KAMUKHA NI ALLAN K. DUN KAYO SA BABA, SA KLOWNZ ARANETA NA LANG KAYO, MGA LOSERSSSSSS! MWAHAHAHAHAHA."
****
ayan kame last sunday: si miko, ako at si ruthie. photo by fran, ang honorary thomasian. galing sha isang all-girls school ngunit dahil napaligiran namin sha sa ofc, at dahil sa marketing ni ruth, nanood na rin sha ng game with us. NAKADILAW DIN SHA. at tuturuan ko sha ng cheers na ust with matching hand signals kase miraculously na lumamakas ang sobrang tinis nyang boses kapag kailangang mag-cheer.
tinitignan namin ni fran at alli tong photo na to:
fran: grabe, solid kayo, lahat talaga naka-yellow.
ako: shet! ang laki ng chan ko.
fran: onga. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
alli: MUKHA KANG BATANG BUNDAT.
alli and fran: MWAHAHAHAHAHA.
tangina ang laki ng chan ko. natatawa rin ako pag nakikita ko ung pic. pero at least BATANG bundat. hindi matandang buntis. nyek. pero keri lang lang, minsan lang naman humirit si alli at minsan lang rin tumawa si fran, kaya sha, sige, Okkkkkkkkk lang. (at least hindi naisip ni alli na tawagin akong BUTETE, or else isusumbong ko sha ke ano. charing).
BATANG BUNDAT, BATANG MAY LABAN!
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archived from the main blog
Aug. 15th, 2006 | 04:50 pm
ang kaso ung 2 huling niligawan kong pseudo-celebrities (lourd and ian esguerra, hehe), binasted ako pareho. so gudlak na lang.
moks: haiiiiiiiiiiiii talaga. =(
it's still a good thing that you told him what happened. masakit pero eventually, dude, kung mahal ka nya, he would forgive you at matatanggap ka pa rin nya.
kaya mo yan
-blue
But you know whats the truth about relationships?
In the long course of time you're together, things change. Mindsets change. Pains, sufferings, failures, mistakes, betrayals, they are all part of the relationship. What matters is whether you still end up together or not.
exToroboy
ex_torero: what matters is if we still love each other enough to see past the mistakes.
anyway, i hope we get to update each other soon. it's been a while.
i dunno if i should be proud or regretful that i had the balls/boobs to tell L. kase ayan, wala na sha.
pesteng boobs yan.
blue: wtf, ano na namang kalokohan na yan? kulet and i haven't seen each for a looooong time.
after i broke up with my girlfriend, i accidentally fell in love for an old time friend who just had a breakup as well. it was a pure lust illusioned to be love.
i know it had an expiry date the day it started.
i just got caught off guard when she pulled the plug and decided that its me who's gonna get hurt.
now i feel guilty for my sins of having nobody else but the ex that i left...
wish i can tell you my side of the story. im devas lately because of something that disappeared.
ok yan. Di miminsan ang ganyang moments sa buhay at may lalabas na maganda diyan.
is that it actually hurt.
overdrive: you know what, i just FOUND OUT that a lot of people are cheating/have cheated. and unless they are caught, it's a cycle that won't end.
geng: go, tell me the story. we could always have late-sat night coffee with the bittermother.
hunny: i'm actually surprised with the replies on here, i didn't expect "support" kase di naman ako naghahanap ng kakampi. i just wrote this to unload, cause it's a great relief to write about it. and i was expecting more blames, dude. but thanks.
miming: fascinating but this doesn't hurt AS MUCH as the pangs from the former guy. maybe bec ako ung may atraso dito, or maybe bec i know what to do na, or maybe bec i'm still hoping that he'll keep me.
i'm sure everything will turn out well. L loves you, we all know that. but he does need time to process what you just told him, not to mention time to heal from the pain your confession has brought upon him. but i have no doubt that telling him everything was the right thing to do. and it shows great maturity on your part to finally own up to your mistakes.
don't worry, when he's ready, he'll come back to you. and if you need a backup singer in case you decide to accompany those flowers with harana sa panliligaw...i will volunteer fran! haha, joke! sama ko kahit sintunado ;p i'm all for truth, beauty, freedom, and most of all... love Xp
love you, love you! stay strong :j
~tash
we went trhough similar things pala, minus the 'fessing up part. i'm not brave enough to do that. i was on the rebound when i hooked up with r. then i fucked around a few times since we've been together. i love r but i'm a little unreliable. sigh. i hope he never finds out.
i hope things get better. you sound happy when you talk about him kasi :)
shugabu: er, i hope R wouldn't find out then.
#17: i told him because i love him and i wanted him to have a CHOICE if he'll dump me or keep me.
besides, i think already got the karma for ALL the wrong things i did in my life when i met taken guy, the person, who, by far, hurt me the MOST.
as to what i deserve, i already got L. and even if we part soon, at least i found someone man enough to take responsibility of me despite ME during the times we were together.
but then, why do i even have to bother defending myself?
gee.
comment lang sa blog... makukulot ka lalo neto... bigyan mo lang ng TIME... magiging maayos den ang lahat....
-filmbender
meow
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(no subject)
Jul. 31st, 2006 | 02:00 pm
this is freaking me out. napanaginipan na naman kita kagabi. ilang weeks na tong sunod-sunod. maybe i should go back to the "morning pages" and write my dreams in a journal.
may subliminal message bang kino-convey ung dreams ko? o baka nami-miss lang talaga kita? o baka it's a telepathic way of you telling your anger to me?
gosh, pati ung unconscious ko ikaw ang laman. scary.
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so pano kaya?
Jul. 25th, 2006 | 01:41 am
I am pretty sure that last Sunday was one of, if not the best birthday L ever had.
It turned out well, although Friday pa lang decided na ko na sasabihin ko sa kanya everything about X.
That was the day I talked to L's gf. And pramis, I was shaky that whole day. After naming mag-usap ng girl, nanlamig ako at di bumaba ung temperature ko the hanggang gabi. Buti na lang rin nakapag-lunch na ko non, kase whole day din akong di nakakain which is VERY unusual for me. Naka-1.5 nga lang akong Lipton Red Iced Tea (ok sha, parang Tokyo Tokyo) and mga kalahating kahang yosi. Sabi ko nga, kung sakaling magtuloy-tuloy to at magkasiraan ng ulo, at the very least e papayat ako.
Ang kaso since that day till now, may masakit sa tummy ko. Di ko lang sure kung ano. Baka inulcer na ko. O baka kase sunod-sunod yung inom ko ng mga nakaraang araw para makatulog. Or baka nao-OD na ko sa antihistamines. O baka kabag lang to, hehe. Anyway, yun nga, sobrang decided na ko at Friday pa lang, nag-ask na ko ng advice from my friends since malakasan na to. I can't act on impulse now.
Sabi ni Ruth, umamin ako kase mas masakit sa guy kung kelan magtagal kame tsaka nya malalaman, at lalong mas masakit kung ke X pa nya malaman kase I'm sure nga na gaganti un. Future ko nga naman ung sinira ko.
Sabi ni Alex, aminin ko rin. Same reason kay Ruth, pero wag daw mimong bday. Palipas raw muna. Sabi ko kase ayoko ng patagalin, baka maunahan ako ni X. At Sunday lang talaga ko me chance or else Thursday na kasunod non and Thursday may be too late.
Maski si Papa Ces kinabog ko, sabi nya di naman ako magli-lie, i'll just withhold info. Sabi nya kung sha raw un, ex ko na sha in 10 minutes. Ang hirap, guilty kase. Gusto ko na talagang umamin at di pwedeng di ko sabihin lahat. Pati ung time na nag-sex kame ni X while am with him, kailangang aminin ko. I'm sure talaga, tapos kame nun.
Iniisip ko pa lang sha umiiyak na ko ng Friday. I wouldn't be surprised if L would hit me pag nalaman nya, maski di sha ganon. Di ako makatulog na naman kahit na Sat, maaga nya ko susunduin kase isasabay nya ko sa parents nya papunta ng Rizal kase dun ung party.
Un pa. Ung tanghali ng Sat, nakatulog kase sha so very late na dumating. Iniwan na ko ng parents nya (buti na lang, di ko yata keri sumabay ng wala sha) so dun ako sa isang friend nya sumakay. E di kame kasyang lahat so nag-commute ung mga boys. Nga pala, pinag-pasta ko pa sha. Actually mum ko ung nagluto kase specialty nya un, ako lang nag-grocery at naghiwa ng hotdog. Maski ung pinsan kong barako naghiwa pa ng sibuyas. Sweet nga eh. Kase alam nilang maagang susundo ung boypren ko.
Ng morning, sinabi ko na kanyang tignan ung blog ko kase sabi ko me nanggugulo sa comments ko." Shempre natuwa sha, nagulat kase kakagising lang raw nya non.
Ang thinking ko non e kailangan ko ng magpaka-sweet dahil last few days na namin. May taning na.
Sinundo na nya ko, meet up with his friends then diretso na nga Rizal maski maulan. Ang layo pala ng bahay nila sa Montalban, mehn! As in talahiban na sha. Eto ka, ang pangalan ng village ay Amityville.
Mga 20 ung expected nya pero 10 lang ung dumating dahil umuulan nga non at malayo, so back out ung iba.
Sa pic lang ako nakita ng mum nya pero narecognize nya agad ako ng nakita nya ako among his friends. Maski ung dad nya, nakasmile agad. Sabi ko sheeeeeet, nagcheat ho ako sa anak nyo at wala na kame next week. Kinabog ako non, pare. Tapos si Angelo, ung youngest brother niya na kaedad ng nephew ko, pagkakita ko, hinug and kiss ko agad kase un ung laging sumasagot ng phone pag tumatawag ako. Sabi ko, sheeeeeet, i did another guy when I was with your brother. Ang bigat pare.
Tapos si Angelo, sobrang kinausap ako pagdating ko pa lang. Ang daldal. As in comfortable na sha sakin. Gusto nya kong makilala. He even asked kung mago-overnight raw ako. Sabi ko not sure, kase di pa raw nya ko mashado kilala, "close" pa lang raw kame, dun na lang raw ako matulog. Sabi ko tabi kame, sabi nya "no, you should be your proper man." San ka naman don. Feeling ko sabik sa "ate" or non lang sha nakakita ng girlalu na alam yung mga bands na gusto nya. In fairness, di sha takot sa kulot.
Tapos nag-talk ung pastor nyang uncle ng supposed to be a short prayer/message for his bday and the belated silver wedding anniv ng parents nya. Short message na naging one hour sermon. So GUTOM NA GUTOM na kameng lahat, pati parents nya, ng natapos, hehe. May araw pa ng nagstart ung sermon, pagkatapos gabi na. Ang tahimik tuloy nung kainan na.
Shempre walang kamatayang videoke,wala naman ung videoke songs ko. Di sha mashado touchy non, andun sha sa mga friends nya so pinabayaan ko lang mag-enjoy. Tutal sabi ko, nakatingin ako sa kanya, iiwan mo naman ako asap. Pota, pare gusto kong bumulahaw ng iyak non.
(bukas ko tutuloy sobrang antok na ko)
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(no subject)
Jul. 19th, 2006 | 02:40 pm
the last confession (?)
i have a feeling this will be my last confession, my last blog entry. I could write something like THIS or THIS but I cant, I won’t.
I can’t-- because I lack the writing skill to do it.
I won’t-- because… well, who cares anyway. I wont even bothering about gramars in my sentencings and sphelling, as with proper form, style and those other things they teach in writing classes and workshops (di ko din naman alam yung mga yun).
I could end this blog entry here but I want to write a longer entry, so let’s pretend for a moment that you care enough to ask me why.
YOU: Why?
ME: It’s not because somebody asked me to leave Motime but solely because it’s not fun to write confessions anymore.
YOU (again): Why?
ME: Sabihin na nating I may have gained a few friends thru this blog but I also lost a love because of this. Now tell me, how can I continue this blog if whenever I open this, it will just remind me of the pain she felt because of me? it's not pain because of this blog but because of ME.
So yeah, we broke up.
I know of at least two people who wished for this to happen. Ikaw yung isa. Masaya ka na ba ngayon?
The other one, Anne, at one time, wished for it. But now I know she’s really hoping that my girl and I will be together for as long as we wanted (she still doesn’t know about the break-up). Anne knew I am most happy with my girl and I know she wanted me to be happy. She also found out the hard way how it feels to lose a love that’s why I know she’s no longer wishing what she wished for before.
And before you ask why I agreed to break up with my girl, let me tell you why.
YOU: Wh--- uhhhh--- okay, shoot.
ME: It’s because I love her.
I’m willing to sacrifice my happiness for her happiness even if that happiness doesn’t include me. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.
I’m going to give her the space and time to find what it is that will make her happy. And no, I won’t move on with my love life. I don’t need to. I don’t want to love again because I’m sure I can’t give the same level of love to the next girl and that wouldn’t be fair to her. I can be happy being alone. I’ve had my share of happiness. I know, baluktot ang reasoning na ito and I don’t expect you to follow it but that’s view, walang pakelaman.
Eto pa.
I might have given her a lot. Hell, I wish I could give more. In the end, I might have none left for myself but who cares? Sabi nila mag-iwan daw ng para sa sarili. That’s crap! Where’s the fun in loving someone when you’re still holding some things back? You’ll just regret it in the end. Kaya nga “falling” in love eh. You’re supposed to plunge in and see where you’ll end up. I know for a fact that she gave it all to me, too. Wala mang natira sa amin but the memories, but those memories are all worth it, at least for me.
No, please don’t think that what I’ve just written are just mumblings of a love-crazed-crushed fool. Sige, corny na kung corny but please cut me some slack, as these are what my heart is screaming right now.
Besides, this could very well be my last entry anyway, so bear with me.
You might read stuff like these as graffities in some male rest rooms (alongside those that proclaims “in your hand now is the future of the world” or the undying “walang pangit sa titing galit”), at the backseat of non-aircon buses or in some eskinita wall. That could be me who wrote them.
If sad wind whispered sad thoughts to your ear, that could be me.
But who knows. Baka bukas lang mag-post na ulit ako, or next week, or years from now. Or malamang hindi na talaga. But i will still write, sa tabloid... in a better publication i hope... write for myself.
So what’s the point of this post? Ewan. Kelan ba nagka-point ang mga entries ko hehe
In the meantime, adios patria blah-blah-blah… *waves hand above the head as I turn around and walks away…*
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this one's locked
Jul. 8th, 2006 | 04:43 pm
to get into the wonderland of ...
so drop me a message and i might let you in,
this kitten is waiting with a cuddle and a grin.
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(no subject)
Jul. 8th, 2006 | 12:02 am
I could be the candidate for being the worst girlfriend. Heck, I might be Pasong Tamo's Worst GF title-holder. I cheated, I throw tantrums on a whim, and I threatened my boyfriend that I'll get a fuck buddy. san ka pa.
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(no subject)
Jun. 5th, 2006 | 08:17 pm
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ping medina
Jun. 1st, 2006 | 12:25 am
mood: 
giggly
Di ako fan, sorry, I'm a loyal Lourd de Verya worshipper.
He's my one true god pero I feel for the fangirls (and fangays).
Sabi ng isang fangirl: "Oh, why don't you just stab us fangirls with a blunt knife?"
Cute. Onga naman, Ping. Hehe.
Kakatuwa lang. I indirectly know the girl (jaryo world) and her ex, who plays drums for a band.
Ang chika, na-meet ko si drummer through chat. Yes, as in YM chatroom. Haha. Isang
So un nga, nameet ko si drummer. Ang pick-up line nya: "wanna hangout?" Sankapa.
Naintriga ko dahil ok ung ID nya at lahat ng kumakausap sakin non e bastos or indian na naghahanap ng show.
We started chatting, I asked about his work. He said he's a musician. Drummer daw.
Asked kung anong band. I probably don't know it daw.
Duh. Akala yata Hale and Cueshe fan ako.
Sinabi nyang UDD.
Hala!
Devas din sha sa gf nya, so chika kame.
Un palang gf nya na gf na ni Ping ngayon e dating writer dito at blogfriend ng isa pang friend ko.
Ang malufet, si drummer pala ay pseudo ex ng college friend ko ng college pa sila.
Kaya pala the name rang a bell. College friend used to gush about him way back.
May chika nga si college friend. Pero wag na, mejo bastus eh. Hihi.
Anyway, un lang. Good luck sa mga fangirls.
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(no subject)
Jan. 24th, 2006 | 04:12 pm
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asteeg to
Jan. 13th, 2006 | 03:27 pm
mood: 
fine
music: stand inside your love - smashing pumpkins
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worst day of the year
Nov. 11th, 2005 | 11:04 pm
mood: 
sad
music: silent all these years - tori amos
I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED MY MAIN BLOG.
That's so devastating I can hardly stand after I did it. I'm so stupid. I was still foaming in the mouth when this came:
*allan--the 31-year-old Baguio guy
*andrea--vanilla junkie
*sex--everthing but "it"
*mich--allan's girlfriend
*marco--andrea's "friend"
----------------------------------------
allan: hello
andrea: hi
allan: dre
andrea: allan?
BUZZ!!!
BUZZ!!!
andrea: yes?
allan: bz?
andrea: i havent been getting any messages from u
andrea: im not busy for u
allan: nag reply ako
allan: wats d last message u received?
andrea: ayan
allan: nyek hehe
allan: yah nga
allan: i tot sa text
andrea: sus
allan: anyway, i wanna talk to you about marco
andrea: oh well. go on.
allan: bkit daw he's not yet "ready"?
andrea: ako ung last nag-reply sa text. i told u that he told me he's not yet ready... and if i dont wana talk to him na, its ok. but he’ll miss me daw.
allan: i got that text
andrea: i dont wana lose him naman kase were "friends" and wala naman syang ginagawang masama. pero i have a feeling na naniniguro sya.
allan: naniniguro saan?
andrea: sa kin.
allan: pero he likes u?
andrea: sabi nya, very much daw.
andrea: siguro masasabi natin na, parang ikaw dati? kase pareho kayo ng mga hirit eh
allan: na DC ako
andrea: ok
andrea: nagdinner ka na ba
allan: ei, dnt change topic
allan: im really worried sau
andrea: im not changing it... i just asked if u had dinner na. haiii.
allan: pero di pa ko dinner
allan: di pa.. later na lang, wala pa ko gana
andrea: ok, had pizza. comfort food. two big slices.
andrea: about me? worried? na ano? na ma-depress ako sayo and ill just go to bed with marco on our next date? dude, that wont happen.
allan: nope, that marco is a phony pala
andrea: and no offense, pero wag ka ring mag-feeling... although you are the most intimate guy ive been with. mahirap din, esp nag-baguio pa tayo.
allan: pero
andrea: kaya ko sarili ko.
andrea: sanay akong walng nag-aalaga sakin. i turned out well naman, i think.
allan: papanong not "ready"
allan: i know, pero i cnt help but worry
andrea:
andrea: di naman ako pwedeng mag-demand sayo. di naman tayo.
allan: whats dis suppose to mean? ---"and no offense, pero wag ka ring mag-feeling..."
andrea:
allan: wag ako mag feeling BF?
allan: wag ako mag feeling close friend?
andrea: allan, u dont wanna lose me to some dickhead but u dont want to have me, either.
andrea: where does that leave me then?
allan: to a guy who is not a dickhead like me, like "them"
andrea: wala ng matinong guy, kung ako tatanungin mo.
andrea: si marco, i like him siguro. pero i give him what he gives to me lang.
andrea: he's sweet. nakita mo naman kung pano sya mangulit
BUZZ!!!
andrea: hey
allan: andrea:
BUZZ!!!
allan: lagi ako DC
allan: basta dre, may deeper reason for that "not ready" thingie
allan: if a guy really likes u, he’ll be there pag niyaya mo to meet up
allan: unless he cant kasi he lied to u about something
allan: and that lie is the reason why he cant show up
andrea: i dunno
andrea: im thinking that, too
andrea: im not that dumb, you know. un ngang i-let go nya ko ng ganong kadali, bad news na eh.
BUZZ!!!
andrea: still there/
allan: im here
andrea: ok
allan: i know u know these things, gusto ko lang sabihin din
allan: haaayyyyyyyyyyyy
allan:princess ko
andrea: i appreciate
andrea: i dont trust marco. ok?
allan: how i wish im a genie
andrea: allan, alam mong may magagawa even if
andrea: u just dont want to do it. we both know why.
allan: yun nga
andrea: and u tell me u love me?
andrea: sheesh. listen to it. dont u think that sounds funny?
andrea: hilarious.
allan: kaya nga i shoudnt have told u that
allan: mas madami pang gusot ang nagawa ng moment na yun kesa good things
allan: but thats what i'm feeling e
allan: kaya sinabi ko
allan: sorry i said those 3 words
andrea: do u mean it?
allan: yeah
andrea: i think at that moment lang.
allan: pero tama ka nga, i love you to a certain point din
allan: nope, di daw lang that time
allan: everytime i see u
andrea: tangina.
allan: kahit ikaw, u love me to a certain degree din
andrea: anong klaseng love yan? "i love you when i see u"
andrea: ikaw kaya sabihan ng ganon, how would u feel?
andrea: then you are also "not into me"
allan: nope, wnat i meant was i wanna say it everytime i see u kahit alam kong di dapat
andrea: you are no different from marco, then.
andrea: from all of em dimwits who just want to fuck me.
allan: L
allan: oo, i wanna do it with u
allan: pero if i cant, im gonna be here pa din
allan: nothing will change
andrea: di ko alam kung anong klaseng love ung sinasabi mo.
andrea: ikaw, if i wanted to, i will love u as much as i could.
allan: cge, im gonna say these kahit i know it will hurt cguro...
allan: to set the records straight, so to speak...
andrea: go on...
allan: ok, i love
allan: kahit sinong girl pa, kahit artista pa sya or the likes
allan: but that doesnt mean i dnt care about other girls pa din
allan: as a friend
andrea: go on...
allan: ang
andrea: go on...
allan: and that intimacy made a bond between us
allan: up to a point that i felt something
allan: was it love? who knows
allan: but thats what i felt...
allan: so thats what i told you
andrea: so
andrea: until now.
allan: i'm not sure, if you define "love"
andrea: so ano yan?
allan: kasi
allan: ok, this might hurt, but i love you, but not as much as
andrea: i know that.
andrea: always have known that.
andrea: that hurts, a lot. so much.
allan: so there
allan: i know
allan: but i dnt want u to think that i deceived you or played with you
allan: this hurts me a lot too
andrea: this is the worst day of my life
andrea: i felt so used.
andrea: then it's just the sex.
andrea: the semi-sex
allan: knowing i hurt you
allan: how can u say that?
andrea: that's how i fucking feel!
allan: u honestly believe that im there for that alone?
andrea: u don't love me, u just like me.
andrea: no,
andrea:
allan: and if we're not doing that, u mean di na ako magpapakita sa yo?
andrea:
allan: how about the talks we had
allan: the laughter?
andrea: it's a package, allan.
andrea: coming from you now, ang sakit sakit.
allan: ang labo
allan: how can u say those things?
andrea: everyone's been telling me,
andrea: but i still go on seeing u, bec u have grown valuable to me.
andrea: why? maybe bec i love u na.
allan: and u think thats not what im feeling too?
allan: that u have grown valuable to me too?
andrea: pero it's NOT enough. will never be, as long as
allan: that, im guilty of, i know it wont be enuf
allan: and i cant give that
andrea: u have any idea how much it hurts to be told right smack in your face that "i love you but i love her more"?
allan: and that hurts me
andrea: what if i tell u i love marco more than u?
andrea: that's im willing to go to bed with him and have all the sex we could have?
andrea: day in and day out?
andrea: that i could share more stories with him and we’ll have tenfold more laughter than we could even have?
allan: then i will tell u that if marco can love u the way u deserve, il be more happy than both of you
allan: kasi he was able to give u something i vant
allan: and i know that will make u happy
andrea: i just want to break down in my office seat now.
allan: and il be happy for u too
andrea: what did i let this happen to me?
andrea: i feel so lil and low and used up.
andrea: i don't even feel cared for, much more loved.
allan: that hurts dre
allan: that u think i used u, that what we had was a product of lust
andrea: its better to put it that way
andrea: i dont know, i cant think straight.
andrea: this day is too much for me.
allan: m sorry
andrea: one question, allan
allan: yup
andrea: will u ever love me as much as you love her? yes or no.
allan: if she left me, yes
andrea: if not.
andrea: ?
allan: if she didnt leave me, theres no reason for us to parts ways
andrea: yes or no, pls
allan: i know it hurts, me here saying i love ner more than you
andrea: yes or no, pls
allan: if not, no
andrea: thanks.
allan: but its not as simple as a yes or no
andrea: at least it's clear to me now.
andrea: i shouldnt have hoped for a yes.
andrea: gtg
andrea: di ko na kaya to.
andrea: bye.
allan: wait
allan: its not a simple no, cause madaming reason for the "no" answer
allan:
allan: she sacrificed a lot for me
allan: we had many many great moments together
allan: and compared with the length of quality time we had, it will be a lie if i tell u that i could love u more than her
allan: BUT that doesnt mean i used you
allan: that i played with u, that i didnt care for u
allan: shit,
allan: wala sanang ganito
allan: walang nasasaktan
BUZZ!!!
andrea: i just to cry.
andrea: again.
andrea: again and again and again.
allan: L
andrea: u hurt me a lot. and it's a new kind of hurt.
andrea: i've been through a lot. i've experienced many kind of hurt pero ito---hardcore, dude.
allan: i dunno what to say
andrea: say u dont want to see me again.
allan: kasi thats the last thing i wanna do, to hurt u
andrea: u can't hurt me more than this.
andrea: allan, if i could love u, magsasawa ka sa love.
andrea: mauumay ka sa sweetness.
allan: i know
allan: i know
andrea: u'll give up on making love.
andrea: I HAVE THAT MUCH TO GIVE.
allan: i know that first hand from u, sample pa nga lang ang natikman ko
andrea: we should stop seeing each other.
andrea: i know u've been wanting to hear that from me.
allan: i dnt wanna hear it but if u think thats the best way for me not to hurt u anymore, then so be it
allan: id rather not see u than hurt u
allan: ive been selfish enuff na ata
allan: sorry
andrea: the bad thing is i still wanna see u
andrea: even i know u'll just hurt me
andrea: i'm willing to sacrifice that much
andrea: but... there's a lot of buts
andrea: the greatest but is u don't really love me.
andrea: that should shut me up.
allan: i would v love to see u as much as we can, but i dunno if i can go thru another day like dis
allan: cause i know may dadating na naman na ganito
andrea: imagine when
allan: knowing that i hurt u soooo much
andrea: and i'm alone here, waiting for u
andrea: and there's not even a marco to console me
allan: ....
andrea: those are my dots
andrea: any parting words?
allan: dre?
allan: andrea, dinner lang ako
allan: hope
andrea: u think it's that easy to be "ok"?
andrea: dude.
I badly need a beer.
"But what if I'm a mermaid in these jeans of his with her name still on it?"
--Silent All These Years, Tori Amos
longest, emo-est, most honest tell-all to date
I think I just lost the only person who's keeping me together.
And it's all my fault.
Some few posts ago I was gushing like a stagegirlfriend of sorts but all those time I was hiding something from L. Something I thought I could keep from him since the paper trail was quite clean. Something I know would shatter him if he finds out.
I was a bad kitten.
But I can't keep it from him anymore. I don't want to keep him through a string of dirty, pungent lies like many people do to keep the one they love. I've seen it happen to others and it left them broken. I know telling him the truth will leave him just as broken, pero di ko na kaya kung magtagal pa kame ng taon and then dun pa nya malalaman from other means. Mas masakit un.
And so I chased my own karma.
I told L yesterday that I saw someone else—a committed guy—in the first few months that we were together. He is someone from the past who was my first everything. I met up with him on and off till June because I can't get over him, because I thought seeing him would make me ok. It did not.
I cheated.
L knows how much I loved that guy. I knew he has a girlfriend, ako lang tong gaga, I thought kaya ko ung sarili ko. Mashado kong naging mayabang. But what right do I have to complain anyway? I was that dude's volunteer bitch. But as cheesy and crappy as it may sound, I kept on seeing him because I loved him. The worst part was I thought he loved me, too—because that's what he said, because that's what he showed before.
Enter L with the Superman syndrome. He was there right from the moment the guy dumped me as per agreement that the affair had to end. Kase taken guy and me set up a "deadline" that we'll be over by mid-December (we started going out tailend of October), stupid I know. L immediately said that he'll "take over" after the guy leaves, and he did exactly that.
I was hurt big time when we parted. I'd cry to L over the phone and in person about him for months—even when we were already together.
He'd console me, and later on, pagagalitan nya ko: "Bi, may sarili na silang buhay. Asikasuhin mo yung sayo." He'll instruct me how to move on. He was the one who literally wiped warm tears off my face. Niligawan nya ko (flowers, teddy bear and all) and took me as a girlfriend even he knew I wasn't completely over the former guy, even if he knew I was a total screw-up.
Problem with me is that I was too impulsive. I professed drunken love to a rockstar on impulse. I texted mad ramblings at an ungoldy hour to a professor who I thought would fail me. I dated a taken guy on impulse. I had a boyfriend on impulse. I buy useless things on impulse. I fell in love with an everything-wrong guy on impulse.
Minsan kase parang masarap na di mag-isip. Sanay kase akong laging nag-iisip as I am a thinker. I think too much. Pero pag dumating ung malalaking decision-making, minsan talaga parang may nago-off ng utak ko.
But coming out clean to L was no impulse. I thought a lot about it. I weighed things out. If I don't tell him, I just have to make sure he wouldn't know. And he can only know about it through the guy who, by now, hates me like hell because of another impulse I acted upon—I accidentally blew off his cover to his gf who apparently didn't know about me.
I dunno why I did that, simpleng topak lang talaga which I honestly didn't know would cause more trouble. I know he's blaming me for what happened to them (I think their engagement broke off) and he'll be most VINDICATED if I go down the drain. Ngayon alam kong he regrets he had anything to do with me.
Ano nga ba naman yung nirereklamo ko, e pumayag naman ako, di naman nya ko pinilit. He made it clear na pang-short time lang ako, and he had my consent. Tama naman sha dun. Ang mali ko was I gave him much more than I thought I could give anyone, I fell in love hard and fast, and HOPED that he'd leave her for me. And hope is not always a good thing.
I was threatened that he'd ruin me by blowing off my own cover to L. He said he won't do anything, but I don't trust his words. I can't take that risk. But even so, gumanti man sha or hindi, L doesn't deserve this.
I now love L much more than I loved the other guy, and I can't feed him lies, not even white ones. I thought: "I can't go on hurting this guy who loves me so much like this. Not like this."
I've been meaning to tell this since before his birthday last month but I chickened out a lot of times because I'm sure HE'D LEAVE ME in a snap once he knew. But by Thursday, I got myself into a decision: L has to know what a rotten girlfriend I am. I texted L that we had something to talk about the next day. He was alarmed.
Thursday night found me deliberately drunk at Saguijo in a Sago gig. But even while the band was playing, tumutulo ang luha ko, mehn.
Not even Lourd de Veyra could make me happy. Malakasan na to. Eto pa, after their set, Lourd came up and asked: "O, kumusta na ung boyfriend mo bat di mo kasama? Kakabirthday lang non ah."
I knew that time na terminal na kame ni L, na Dead Kitten Walking na ko. Nag-decide na ko na by Friday, I'll take a leave off work (which I rarely do) and gear up for the confession. It has to be a Friday so L has the entire weekend to recover. Ayoko namang pumasok sha ng Monday ng devas.
Thursday night pa lang di na ko makatulog kakaiyak. I know what I would do means losing L. But I have to be brave enough to take the risk because I love him.
Sa dami ng kagagahan ko, eto na lang yung tama kong pwedeng gawin. And honestly, this is the most mature decision I've ever made.
Sabi ko nga, given na naman na iiwan nya ko. Na I'll have my first ex in 10 minutes after confessing up. Sabi ko rin, even if he's not the violent type, if L hits me and I go home black and blue, I wouldn't mind. He can knock me out unconscious if that will make him express his anger better. If he calls me names, if he shouts expletives at me, I'd gladly take it. He can spit at me, slap me, call me puta all he wants.
I was ready for his rage kase kasalanan ko lahat-lahat ito, from the former guy up to L. Pero paninindigan ko to.
Friday. We had coffee and dinner and we were at our sweetest, but all those time I was recording the moments in my head because I knew it might be the last. May taning na ko. Then we went somewhere and I told L everything he has to know. Maski ung mga pwede kong itago to buffer the pain, sinabi ko. After I was done, he asked a few questions and I honestly answered all of it. I kept nothing.
I was sobbing in his arms as I explained stuff. He never interrupted me. He didn't look at me, either. He just listened. After I was done, all I can say was "I'm sorry."
He didn't shout at me, he didn't call me names, he didn't hit me like I expected. He just sat on a corner and broke down, wept hard and loud. He cried like a kid, rocking back and forth while sobbing. He only said one thing: "Bi, hindi ko alam kung anong kasalanan ko sayo."
Mas masakit pa yung nakita ko shang ganon, kesa kung pinagsisigawan or sinaktan nya ko. I've hurt this guy who loved me most because I am so fucking selfish, because I can't get over the pain from the previous guy and ended up hurting him. I'm a Grade A bitch.
I didn't know if I should hug him or what, I didn't even know if I have any right to touch him. Pero niyakap ko na lang sha, and we cried together. Hindi rin nya ko pinaalis or tinaboy. We just wept in silence for a couple of hours.
Then it dawned to me: he didn't say if we were over. So may chance pa ko.
On the way home, I told him na pwede na shang mauna. But still, he insisted na ihatid ako. Dumaan kame sa Ministop to buy water (dahil pulang-pula na ko at di na makahinga) and a mandatory devas-beer to take home. I asked him what he wanted to drink. Sabi ko: "Bi, Gatorate or C2? Wala ung paborito mong iced tea."
I dunno what it is about what I said but he pulled out his hanky, wiped his eyes and controlled another crying bout right smack in the convenience store aisle. Naiyak na rin ako.
I admired how he took what I said. I'm amazed and completely impressed on how he handled the situation. I mean, this is a great guy! What the hell have I been pining on and crying about the previous one who didn't even give a damn about me?
Nga pala, 3 years na hindi nag-gf si L after ng recent ex nyang tumagal ng one year. Two years shang devas at one year nagpahinga. Wala raw shang balak mag-gf but I came. Ako naman, I never took anyone seriously kase masaya pa ko sa buhay ko till I met taken guy and fell.
L used to blame himself for what happened between me and the former guy. I was dating L before I met him. Parang kame na non, but it never pushed through because he wasn't ready yet. Then we lost communications and I met taken guy. When L found out, he was pissed and resolved that he'd take care of me. Too late the hero but a hero still.
Sabi ko nga kay L. Alam ko na galit sha and I wouldn't even ask for another chance kase ang kapal naman ng mukha ko kung gagawin ko pa yun. Pero I told him na sana, he knew how much I loved him. He said na feeling nya napakawalang kwenta nya that I had to resort to seeing the previous guy when we were together.
I told him na he's not. And I told him that I tried hard to make him feel special. I made sure he eats on time, that his utensils are clean, that his back is dry (he has asthma), I even sprinkle his back with baby powder when it's humid. I made sure every "monthsarry" was wonderful. I made sure his birthday was amazing. One time na bumabagyo at na-stranded sha somewhere and he ran out of load, pinasahan ko sha agad para he can reach home in case of emergency. Whenever I see something nice, ke website pa yan o palitaw, I made sure na share kame. I always make it a point to know if he's home safe. I cook dinner for him on Sundays. God, I even comb his hair for him.
Wala akong alam sa relationships, NEWBIE AKO. He's my first bf and I don't know one damn thing about treating a guy except from what I saw in my friends. But I did everything that I could for him in those 5 months we were together. Yun nga lang, nagkamali ako. At bumabawi ako through those li'l things. And I owe it to him to tell the truth so that he could make a decision if he's willing to keep me because I don't know if I still deserve him.
Nung pauwi na kame, I broke down sa cab as I asked him kung makikita ko pa sha. He didn't reply. We hugged and kissed before I got inside the house—I dunno if it's the last.
We talked on the phone kanina. He's voice spoke of deep pain. He told me it's better if we stop talking for a while. We cried again as we said goodbye. I respected his decision. I can't even believe he'd think it over, the fact that he's still thinking about us is more than fair.
I was a wreck when former guy and I parted. I mourned for a 1½-month-old pseudo-relationship for months. And now with L who was with me longer and who took full responsibility of me, I dunno how long before I'd be ok. Maybe it's time to wear all-black again.
Nag-panic kase ko ng iniwan ako ni taken guy kaya ko sinagot si L, alam nya yun. Akala ko kase, since "damaged goods" na ko, no one would love me na. Kase di ko maintindihan non how taken guy could say he loved me but still left. Parang I such a small kitten who's never enough. Humina ung pang-intindi ko, it was my fault na di agad makapag-let go. Mashadong bumaba yung self-worth ko, lahat ng insecurities ko lumabas kaya si L ung napagbuntunan ko. L, at that time naman, was getting too impatient kung kame ba on not. So hilaw ung recovery ko from taken guy and I was PRESSURED by everyone to be OK ASAP. They mean well, I know, even taken guy did his part to help me. Ang mali ko was I took L as a fall guy and days after we were officially together, I told him first-hand na NABIGLA LANG AKO. He stayed even if he knew that.
But now that I love him more than ever, ita-take ko yung risk na mawala sha, just so I could come out clean. Ayokong magmalinis. If he decides to keep me, sparkling clean slate na. Fresh start na at magpapakabait na ko. Wala na talaga kong hang-up.
Naisip ko rin, maswerte yung mga batang maagang kumarir, at least maaga silang natuto, kesa ung ganitong early 20s ka na tsaka ka pa lang nagkaka-heartache chuva. I became so sappy, nauumay na ko sa sarili ko. Para kong high school when, in fact, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE COOL.
I've realized that I still have a lot of growing up to do. Mas childish pa pala ko than I care to admit.
Pero honestly, I don't know what to do if L decides to split up with me. Nasanay na ko na nandyan sha. And now I know his worth more than anything. I used to doubt if he's strong enough to handle me because I am not a simple girl (yun ang una kong tinanong ng nanliligaw sha), but now I know that he's more than man enough for a bratty stubborn kitten like me.
Ako yung asshole dito. I'm such a selfish brat. May mga kupal ding babae at isa yata ako dun. Mashado na kong maraming nasaktang tao: from taken guy and his gf, L, my friends especially Alex who saw me past the depression. As much as I want to apologize to them, I can't because that means more shit.
But heck, I'm sorry A, and to your girlfriend, and to your cousin and brother for being such a fuck-up. I'm sorry Alex and my friends na sawang-sawa na sa devas ko but still had been there. And I'm sorry most especially to L, my baby who balances me out, the only guy who can handle my tantrums and topak. I know this blog may be read by your family and friends, but I'm ready to face the consequences even if they throw jeers on my way. I know everyone's trust on me is cracked. Wala na kong credibility. Wala rin akong excuse. I'm not expecting na maawa kayo sakin cause I know you're thinking these apologies are bullshit. You all might think I've been forever a slutfest, but I will take full responsibility of my mistakes just to prove that I'm sincere na ayoko ng may masaktan pa, and that I AM SORRY.
I miss him so much now, and I can't even text him. It's his first night "on leave" and I'm still up at 6 am. So pano, good luck na lang sakin?
Mamimiss ko ung waking up to your message every morning that says: "good morning baby, breakfast na pagkagising. i love you. mwah!" ket na alam mo namang tanghali na kong nagigising at alien sakin ang breakfast. Mamimiss ko ung Tuesday dinners, ung Thursday dates, ung Sunday simba natin. Wala ng gigising sakin. Wala ng eat-all-you-can siomai Sundays. Ni-hug ko nga si Bear Bitch kagabi tapos whapak, iyak na naman yung kitten.
Dati talaga di ko naintindihan ung mga "rules" mo sa relationship natin. Yung tipong kailangan mong umuwi ket maaga pa kase walang kasama yung brothers mo. Never kong maiintindihan un kase wala naman akong kapatid. Sanay din akong hawak ung oras ko. At di ako sanay sa rules-rules na yan. Di ka rin seloso which I found very weird, di ka rin mahigpit sa damit or sa gimik ko, maski sa yosi. One of the girls ka kase kaya wala namang kaso maski lumabas ako with guy-friends. And you trusted me that much.
Ngayon, naintindihan ko na na yung mga ginagawa mo dati—lahat un TAMA. Lahat un was to preserve the relationship dahil gusto mong magtagal tayo, dahil mahal mo ko. I can't thank you enough for that.
Baby, if you happen to read this, I'm really sorry. I know it was dumb. Sabi mo nga diba, kung ime-meet ko sha ok lang, ihahatid mo pa ko sa kanya, as long as hindi ako uuwi sayo ng luhaan. Di ko rin alam kung bat ang kulit ko dati. Now I can say TAPOS NA YUN. All I know now is I've been selfish enough and I should stop spreading the pain—especially to you.
I never knew someone would love me this much and I'm grateful for that. Stupid as it may sound to you right now: I told you everything not to hurt you but because you have grown so important to me. I'm so sorry and I hope you can forgive me in time. I love you so much. Dito lang ako until you need me, you're stil my bear and I'm still your kitten.
Meow meow.
PS: Kung sakaling hanapin mo pa ko, nandun lang ako sa bubong where bad kittens go.
#1 07 August 2006 - 10:27